I’m going to let you in on a little secret.
I’ve never been good at focus. I’ve never been the person who refined a skill past the Jill of All Trades stage. In fact, I really am that proverbial JoAT, having dabbled rather successfully in a number of things, but never really mastering any of them.
I’m a good writer, a fair hand at visual arts, a decent cook, a passable singer, a dependable but easily bored worker. I do better with a group to keep me motivated, but eventually I usually get bored and look for another shiny to occupy my brain.
… except for this whole Fiber Arts thing.
Nothing has consumed me like my work with fiber has. Even music had a burnout threshold, though that was in part because of the bureaucracy and politics that can go along with DJing and promoting. Fiber Arts have some of that, too, but the beauty of working with my chosen medium has always superseded any angst from that direction.
The thing I haven’t been able to control has been internal. My brain chemistry conspired to slow me down this year, folks. If you were wondering where I was all Summer? That’s what was going on. I was fighting a heavy bout of chronic depression. It was a sudden, unexpected, unpleasant surge in my already unbalanced chemicals, and it screwed up my entire Summer – which cost me momentum, sales, work, and happiness.
It also affects my beloved patrons, because they – reasonably! – expect things from me like communication, production, and of course, output. I wasn’t making anything. I was slipping on some deadlines. I wasn’t making money because I wasn’t making anything. I didn’t feel like blogging, because I wasn’t making anything worth talking about and it felt so hard to put together even a Community Thursday post. I lost some opportunities because I didn’t have the energy to give it my all. And every loss made things worse, because I felt horrible, demoralized.
I was in a spiral. That’s a scary place to be, folks.
Slowly, slowly, things started to lift, as they usually do. [though when you’re in the throes of this, it feels like it will never ever stop feeling like this.]
I started to get motivation back, I started to FINALLY make things again. I had been spinning, but that had been about it. Almost no dyeing all Summer long, no carding… nothing really creative beyond spinning… now, I was finally feeling the call of color and texture again as the world started to brighten around me. It’s like coming up out of a well – as your eyes adjust to the bright sun, colors become alive and so do you, at long last.
So now I’m playing the game of catch-up in my life and business. And it sucks, because I feel guilty for things that went by the wayside while I was in such bad shape, and it is incredibly hard work to make up for what time and momentum was lost. But I am grateful to be back – and to still be here, honestly – and for the support and kindness that my patrons and friends and family have shown me. I could not do this without you on my side. I absolutely could not.
I have been dyeing & prepping fiber like a woman possessed now. I have been spinning like mad. I have two craft shows coming up for the holidays, and I am excited to meet and greet and see the joy that the things that Rob and I make brings to our patrons and friends. This is the stuff that keeps me going, this is why I do what I do. I pray that I won’t fall back down into the well again, but if I do, I know that they [you] will be there to help me back out again. And I am so, so sorry that you might have to watch this happen to me, but I am so, so grateful that you care enough to stand by me while I work it out. THANK YOU.
Look for new items from us for the holidays and into the new year. If you’re waiting for something from the Indiegogo, the last items should be going out to you very soon. [that’s a whole another post to come, about what we learned about expectations and estimates concerning funding a project like the big shed. Number one? It will ALWAYS cost more than your highest estimate to take care of everything. Yep. It’s an ugly truth.] If you have ideas for us to tackle, we are all ears. Look for me to try some new teaching things in the new year, and there may or may not be BIG changes in 2015 to come – undetermined, but if they happen they will yield good things. Look at me, being positive. 🙂
Again, THANK YOU. This is my Thanksgiving post of gratitude. This is me being completely awed by the people who love and support us. You are better than I could have ever imagined when I dreamed up the idea of Threeravens Fiber Studio. You give me hope.
100 Comments
Threeravens Yarn and Fiber Studio
November 24, 2014 at 10:56 pmWow, it posted the entire blog post. I was not expecting that!
Rob Tools Lescalleet
November 24, 2014 at 10:58 pmVery well written love. Many will totally get it me included. Only one thing I need to disagree with and I’ll do that in private. <3
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 10:59 pmIt’s all about as honest and scary as I can be, which is Level: hi there, no secrets here, omfg.
Rob Tools Lescalleet
November 24, 2014 at 11:02 pmI know how difficult it is to be open and honest. As you know it’s cost me some friends and no doubt will in the future. But honesty, yours and mine has helped many other people so its worth it to me. 🙂
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:03 pmIf I lose friends because I say “I am struggling and I am scared” then they weren’t friends.
Bridgett St Meave
November 24, 2014 at 11:03 pmLove you! And welcome to the club! lol I have lots of well I *know* how to do it, but I wouldn’t teach it things… I love doing them but I am faaar from being at a teaching level (which for me is saying I KNOW what I am doing lol )
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:05 pmI’ve known a couple of things that I felt comfortable teaching, but never like I do now, in this field. It’s pretty amazing. I feel confident about what I do know, and what I don’t, too. 🙂
Bridgett St Meave
November 24, 2014 at 11:05 pmI mean.. if I can teach something, I would say I know what I am doing, but I don’t feel like that for my weaving for example, or my tatting…. I need to practice a bit more to feel I could teach it. If I make sense.
Bridgett St Meave
November 24, 2014 at 11:07 pmSometimes not knowing all the ins and outs also gives you more freedom and lets you be more creative with any given technique or medium…
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:09 pmI think that’s how I got comfortable with being experimental with my spinning. I was learning on my own, so I didn’t have anyone saying “you can’t do that!” Then I learned neat things, which is what I like to share when I teach. If I could teach “how to be fearless in creating” I would be rich. 😀
Bridgett St Meave
November 24, 2014 at 11:17 pmBridgett St Meave liked this on Facebook.
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November 24, 2014 at 11:17 pmGwynne Platz liked this on Facebook.
Rob Tools Lescalleet
November 24, 2014 at 11:17 pmRob Tools Lescalleet liked this on Facebook.
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Knitty Lizzy
November 24, 2014 at 11:26 pmwelcome baaaack <3 *gives a big virtual hug* and i can't wait for the day to give you a real big fat one 😀
Susan T. Mosler
November 24, 2014 at 11:26 pmI may disagree on a thing or too, but there’s one thing that is indisputable, your loyal kindness. To me you reign supreme. The painful journey that you live through is hard on you and those who love you, but no matter where you are in it, you are always kind and understanding. I applaud your strength, and take strength from your example. As far as not mastering the many skills you “dabble” in, to me you are a master. Your spirit is so alive, even when you sleep. And although you call your videos goofy…and unmasterful, YOU were the one who taught me how to spin. YOU were the one who sent me packages that made my heart sing.
YOU, you unmasterful master you. While you were drowning, your voice lifted me up, saving me from utter despair. You have a large and loyal following, because you deserve it.
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:28 pmOh Susan, you’re going to make me cry. Wait, too late. <3
People like you are the ones who keep me trying to live up to what you see in me. Thank you. Thank you.
Susan T. Mosler
November 24, 2014 at 11:30 pm<3 You just are, Xiane, you don't have to try.
Kristyne von Eerie
November 24, 2014 at 11:34 pmLove you. If I was a fiber person you’d have my business. Also if I had $ too. ❤️
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:34 pm<3 <3 <3
Jayne Trentanove
November 24, 2014 at 11:42 pmGlad to hear you so positive and productive. Wishing you only positive energy and continued momentum.
Threeravens Yarn and Fiber Studio
November 24, 2014 at 11:48 pmThank you so much, my friend. You have done a LOT to help me keep going, whether you know it or not. <3
Adrienne Munn
November 24, 2014 at 11:47 pmI can so identify with what you wrote. It’s the hardest part of chronic depression, the spells of recurrence that squash you so flat you can’t move. So glad the clouds are parting both for you and for me as well. It’s lovely to feel like creating again.
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:50 pmI say it all the time, but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. But for those of us who go through this, I think if we can survive, it makes us practically unbreakable.
Adele
November 24, 2014 at 11:51 pmYou have just described ME.Thank you for sharing this. One of the biggest issues of going through these things is that we feel like we’re the only one. I am SO grateful to have you as my friend. If there’s anything I can do to help you pick up the pieces, please let me know.
Love you Tweedle!
Xiane K
November 24, 2014 at 11:57 pmLove YOU! I think this is why I write about these times, because too many of us feel like we’re all alone. We’re not. We’re just scared to tell anyone that we feel this way, and that makes us alone. Let us always help each other up. <3
Susan T. Mosler
November 24, 2014 at 11:52 pmwell maybe my worst enemy…heh heh…oh i have a lot to learn….
Brenda Wolfson Mendes
November 24, 2014 at 11:57 pmLove you, your posts have kept me from falling down the well and disappearing i am still struggling but thankful for my friends posts that make me smile and remind that there are bright colorful things out there to look forward to
Christiane Knight
November 24, 2014 at 11:58 pmBig huge hugs, Brenda.
Brenda Wolfson Mendes
November 25, 2014 at 12:03 amBrenda Wolfson Mendes liked this on Facebook.
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November 25, 2014 at 12:03 amElysa Darling liked this on Facebook.
Teresa Warner Brown
November 25, 2014 at 12:06 amseriously, that blog post just spoke too much to where I am right now <3
Christiane Knight
November 25, 2014 at 12:06 amGiving you a “like” of solidarity, Teresa <3
Kali Cichon
November 25, 2014 at 12:14 am*hugs* I know the feeling of holding my breath and hoping things I care about have the momentum to pull me through the spiral and maybe even to a higher place than before. May 2015 be full of good things! <3
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November 25, 2014 at 1:02 amBeth Wodandis liked this on Facebook.
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November 25, 2014 at 1:02 amCarrie Meyd liked this on Facebook.
Molly ZuZu
November 25, 2014 at 1:26 amHERE HERE!! wonderful post, still in my throws of a sprial, but, one day at a time <3
Kristin Moran
November 25, 2014 at 2:05 amKristin Moran liked this on Facebook.
Jackie Cauthron-Schafer
November 25, 2014 at 5:31 amSo many of my dearest friends here on Facebook face similar demons. I’m glad you and Rob speak up. You both help others realize they are not alone. I fight insecurity and sometimes depression. I really am unworthy- but that isn’t going to stop me from fighting to be better, to do better. You inspire me and help me with the dark moments that are, happily, not nearly as common as they once were. (((((Christiane)))))
Marti Kosh
November 25, 2014 at 7:38 amSo happy you are back doing what you love!!
Carol Dharma Vincent
November 25, 2014 at 8:08 amBeautifully, honestly written. I don’t know the words to tell you and Rob how much I understand what you go through. Both my parents are life long suffers from depression and me too. Even though I understand how difficult it is for you to accept I still feel I need to say…you are truly special person and must never feel guilty for having to deal with an illness; a chemical imbalance in your brain. It’s not your fault (nor yours Rob, nor any of us in the same position). It would always be better to have not had to suffer some of the awful things we’ve gone through in life but it ultimately makes us special people. <3
DeeDee Counter-Griffis
November 25, 2014 at 8:13 amlove you darlin
Rose Duke
November 25, 2014 at 9:08 am<3 <3 <3
Spinning My Wheel Fibers
November 25, 2014 at 8:28 amI very much appreciate your openness and honesty. You have a following because of that. As you say, if someone disowns you because of what you go through, and your honesty about it, then that’s no great loss because they weren’t really a friend to begin with. Friends stay by your side through thick and thin. The others just wander off because they don’t know how to handle the truth. They are in a dream world.
I’m sorry you fell behind, and that’s causing some other things to happen – but as I like to think – everything happens for a reason. When one door shuts, another opens, and it’s usually something bigger and better.
From someone who suffers as you do, take it from me – don’t beat yourself up about it. You must love yourself. The ups. The downs. It’s all part of who you (we) are. Hang in there. You’re going to be fine.
You’re super talented, super creative, and a super gal. ((((hugs))))
Martha
Michaela Stanton Hutchinson
November 25, 2014 at 11:12 amI’m sorry that the summer was so hard. I actually totally relate. August is crippling for me. Actually, the last four months have been pretty crippling.
Dayna Mankowski
November 26, 2014 at 9:21 amI’m there right now , fighting my way up. Cheers to you Christiane , you speak what we feel.
Christiane Knight
November 26, 2014 at 2:24 pmBig, big hugs, Dayna.
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